One of my after As goal was to learn to pick up girls, I haven't actually done anything Simple Pickup, but I did go to a club for the most recent new year. I guess like most first timers my goals were pretty simple; hook up with a girl. Not even close, I tried four times and got "no", "NO", *shakes head* and "fuck you!" as replies to my request for a new years kiss. CAN'T SAY I EXPECTED TO SUCCEED ON MY FIRST EXPERIENCE, or maybe it was because I had that mindset at the very beginning that I was not as successful as my partners for the night.
Regardless, "Experience is the teacher of all things" (I'm totally doubtful that Julius Caesar once said that, I mean, more than 2000 years ago... Don't they have Jesus Christ to crucify instead of writing down everything someone said?) and from that clubbing experience I have made a list of key pointers I have to remember on my next journey into cramped deafening dark realms known as clubs.
Pointer No. 1: Know Thy Enemy
It's a dog eat dog world out there, and anyone you don't know, is gonna eat you. Nah, I'm crapping, they won't eat you, neither are they dogs...but then again, you could liken any over-intoxicated human with any organism in the animal kingdom. Hang on to anyone you know if you're intimidated by the drunk crowd (that would probably be unaware of your presence) or if the alcohol in your body is evaporating through the very pores of your skin leaving you a deflated sack of awkwardness. Anyway, entering the club, you should probably note that most of the patrons are either working adults, in polytechnics, and probably, more experienced than you. This means, your witty comments and jokes aren't gonna work, no one's interested in your experience studying, and...nevermind, if you're thinking about this, you in da wrong neighbourhood.
Pointer No. 2: Screw God, Alcohol determines your fate tonight
Your chemistry teacher ever taught you that alcohol is a solution? Don't enter work life like most graduates, thinking that people never apply anything taught in school. Think back and be grateful for the day the education system taught you that beer, vodka, champagne, Jack Daniels are all answers to your oozing awkwardness.
I do, however, note that, there are three kinds of drunk people: Ones who go inexplicably high. Ones who go silent as if the very noise of a pin drop created by them would give a child cancer. And lastly, the boomers (Left 4 Dead Players would get this). Well if you are any of the last two...I'm really not sure, perhaps you can channel your inner Neil Strauss, get into God Mode, or something, just ensure, you live by pointer number three.
Pointer No. 3: A pussy does not get wet from begging
Stop acting disgusted by me, you know its true that when people go to clubs, guys PROBABLY want to be successful with a girl while girls, just wanna have fun. *Cue the 1980s funk* Don't be a try-hard, cos the harder you try, the harder things get. You keep trying, and soon, everything dries up; your energy to stay in the club, your self esteem, the pussies of all your targets. You know like what happens when you dry up pork strips? You get rock hard bacon, exactly my point. Except that it won't taste good, at all. Just, have fun....I went into the club, with the mindset of having a good time, socializing, making friends and I was successful at that. You don't have to get laid everytime you get into a club, you can't anyway.
I know right, "he's only been to a club once and he's acting like he knows it all". But do my pointers really not make sense? If not, then, Vodka, I bid thee, give me strength on the 29th.
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